I have nothing

Ok,  I have nothing...my fingers are tired from my last entry. I need a break! My mouse needs a break. 
But at  least I have come up with 15 topics.  Stay tuned and be kind to your mouse.



1.    Crumbs of food stuck to menu;  do I pay extra for this?    In progress
2.    Can I take my tip back if a server does not thank me?
3.    I have struck.  Posted
4.    Is that dried green stuff on my blanket part of the sleep study?      
5.    How to flush a Waffle House toilet and why knowing this skill is important.
6.    What to do when you see smoke coming from under the hood of your car.
7.    When to wear depends... depends on you.
8.    When is it acceptable to use the men's bathroom if you are a woman?

9.    "When the plate is hot but the food is cold" (a jingle for a popular I-10 eatery.)

10.  Should you shine a black light to check for cleanliness  in your hospital room?
11.  How to use the same sweet tea cup to obtain free refills while driving       
        cross country?

12.  Ast what you want but don't Ax me where I'm from.

13.  How did my panties get on the floor of a college lecture hall?    Posted

14.  Is he alive!     Posted

15.  How I caught crabs.      Posted

Sorry, I don't work here

When I started this blog, I wanted to write about everything.   No topics left unturned. I really don't know if I will be able to write about some topics.  Not because I don't want to or because I have nothing to write.   I am afraid.   Yes, afraid, and worried.   I am not afraid that I will offend someone but I am concerned that if I write things related to my profession  that I may somehow get in trouble.   I don't share info on Facebook for this very reason.        I have some very funny stuff and some other stuff that folks with a sick sense of humor would love.   Of course, I would never mention names, addresses or other confidential info and I would probably make a statement such as....the following story is based on true events that may or may not have actually happened.  The names of  people in these stories have been changed to protect myself mainly but also to protect the individuals, etc.    I might even have to change  my profession to protect my profession???? Not saying, I have a profession.   Maybe I do or maybe I don't.    It is mind boggling!     I don't want to be sued, lose my job, or have people in my profession come after me.   And they probably would want to come after me since I would not hesitate to say negative things about my profession that I may or may not have.   I think it is my right.

   

Anyway, I am going to try to tell you a story.  The events, names, places, subject matter, facts, titles, professions have all been changed to protect the profession, the people who are victims, clients, consumers,  and lastly the location has been changed to protect the location against loss of tourism, scandal, traffic jams, etc.   Oh, and the facts and events have been changed so by the end of the story,  I won't even know who or what the hell I was writing about.    That should cover my paranoia; I think.   

While working,  have you ever had one of those days where a person or non-person walks up to your desk or counter and starts asking you for assistance or a question and you really were at your breaking point and just wanted to tell them... sorry fellow I don't work here.   Yeah, admit it.  Everyone has had those days.   Well, first off let me say that in my job I may travel to other offices, buildings, locations.   I can be easily mistaken for someone who gives a shit, ( just kidding...) works there.  When I am in these places,  I really couldn't help people if they ask me for help because of legal issues, etc.   So  I really can tell someone when they ask for assistance,  sorry I don't work here.   Yeah,  I can see your face changing to a nice shade of Green right about now.   I love my job!     LOL!   

One day, I was working in a building where I am not employed and someone came up to the desk and asked me a question.   I smiled and politely and proudly said...I'm sorry but I don't work here.   Thinking that was the end of the subject.   No such luck.   The next thing I hear is... well,   you look like you work here.   My response...  I am very sorry but I don't work here.   Why don't you look down the hall and see if you see another person who looks like me but does in fact work here.  With  an ever so tiny facial wince, I say... I am sorry I can't help you but if I worked here I would.  Big mistake!  Next I hear,  So you don't work here, you look like you work here, you are sitting behind that desk and working like you work here.   My response... I know it seems that way but I assure you I am working but don't work for this company.   Wheeewwwwwwww!    I look down at my work and  forbid myself from making any eye contact if I hear another question or comment.  Then it happens... Well, can I  use that .................... Well,  I respond...  Is there no one in this place that is employed here?  Where the hell are all of the employees?  Here I sit trying to do MY JOB and I can not do it because there are no employees manning the damn desk!  I didn't really say that to that person but thought it.   Then I get up  and walk up and down the damn hall trying to find someone to assist this person.   Finally, I find an actual employee who actually works at the place and tell them to please help this person.  They assure me they will take care of it.   Awwwwwwwwwwww... yes,  finally I can do my job and get the hell out of here.      Back to the desk I go, sit down open my work and OMG... This is what I hear.... Hello,  I am here to.______can you tell me how to get there?   Oh, please no.   I grab my security badge, turn it to hide my name then look up at the person and say... I'm sorry, I don't work here but the person who does is down the hall and they will be happy to assist you.    Their response.... Hmmm, well can you call them for me. My response...  No, I don't work here so I can't do that.  Their response...Gee, you sure look like you work here.   My response...Yes, I do but I don't and am sorry for not being able to help you but I must finish my work here.   Their response.... Well, if you don't work here why are you doing work here?   My response.... My company sends me here.    Then I look down at my paperwork and can feel my face is burning hot.    I begin to think about changing my location so no one will be able to mistake me for an employee but there is no where to hide, no where  I can do my work other than going to the john.  And doing  that is just plain nasty!   Finally,  the room is quiet and calm and I am making progress on my work.  I am focused  and determined to finish my work in 15 minutes and leave when I hear  the faintest voice say... excuse me.    I look up, my nose is inches from a hand holding a Styrofoam coffee cup and the lady holding that cup finishes her request....Honey, would you be so kind and get me another cup of coffee?   My head begins to spin like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. 

No, I am not going to yell or spit at this person, I am looking for the damn coffee machine so I can fill her damn cup.  After spinning my head a few times, I notice there is no fresh coffee aroma infusing the air and I don't see a coffee pot.  So I say to the lady in my kindest, sweetest, caring, gentle voice..., ma'am,  I would love to get you a cup of coffee but I don't know where they keep the pot.   Silence fills the air but not for long.  It was as if the demons that tormented Linda Blair in the Exorcist had taken possession of this elderly lady and  from her mouth I could hear this loud,  gurgly, raspy voice saying.... WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE POT IS?   YOU WORK HERE; YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE IT IS!   I ask her if she knows where it is.   And  she says... how am I supposed to know where the thing is, I don't work here.  I said.... Well ma'am, actually I don't work here either.   Then she says.....Well, you should have told me that in the first place!    By this time, her shriveled hand had dropped the coffee cup and she and the demon within her shrunk from my sight as they walked from the desk.  

As I was frantically shoving my work into my briefcase,  I heard another sweet voice say.. hello there,  Ms Futterbucket, would you like me to get you some nice hot coffee?   OMG,  Where the hell was this employee hiding???   I didn't finish my work despite being there for what seemed to be hours and felt as if I should have been paid by the place where I didn't work for actually sitting at their desk trying to help people.                              

I don't get caught up in this trap anymore.  Now, when I work in a place where I am not actually employed  and  someone asks for assistance,  I play deaf. 
                                     

Meet The Swinger

I had to share this video with you older folks out there.   I just love it!    Enjoy!

And, here's another great one!

Ok,  I can't help myself, forgive me but It brings a joyful smile to my face and lowers my blood pressure. Oh, just one more pleezzzzzzze.

Sleep in a recliner, ride a Ninja

I sleep in a recliner.  No, I am not poor and I can afford a mattress but I just have horrible back pain after sleeping in any bed.  I am perfectly content in my faux leather recliner chair.  And one of the many benefits of a recliner chair is the workout I get on my abs.   Every time, I have to get up to pee I have to kick that damn foot rest to lock it in place.   Due to the quality or lack of quality of the chair it usually takes me several attempts to finally lock it down.  By then of course,  I have peed on myself but dang do my abs look good.  

Yes,  I have the occasional leakage issues that most women suffer from.  Most women usually get this malady from having way too many babies, being obese or as in my case from....well,  riding a....Ninja.   STOP laughing!   I met him in Japan.  Ok,  so I have never been to Japan.   But, you can get bladder leakage problems from riding a motorcycle.  So I was forced to give up my Ninja, leather chaps and all.  Quit your snorting!  Yes,  I wore leather chaps.   And yes, I looked very sexy.   I turned many a heads and almost caused a few accidents.  You know how men love  chicks in leather.      I miss those days.  

I also miss those days when TV commercials were innocent, childish,  and even a bit chauvinistic .  I enjoyed seeing a woman who looked like June Cleaver dressed in her finest dress and apron.  I liked the way the necklace of pearls gently swayed on her neck as she scrubbed away at her husband's dirty shirt collars.   I also liked  the music jingles with the commercials.  You remember it... Ring around the collar, ring around the collar.

  One of my all time favorites... "Meet the Swinger, Polaroid Swinger.  It's more than a camera, it's almost alive, it's only 19 dollars and 95".  And, I had a swinger once.  I loved that camera!    And what about those great cigarette commercials.   " Winston taste good like a cigarette should"    and  what about  " I'd rather fight than switch".  Got to love them all.  

 Love this Kool Aid one... go to link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKY2O4KFmMU&feature=player_detailpage

I get embarrassed watching TV now.   I mean do we really need commercials about feminine hygiene???  Come on....   Why do women have to spray themselves with  FDS,  BTW that stands for feminine deodorant spray. " It makes you feel fresh as a daisy".  Do women really ask other women... Hey Jane,  I have that not so fresh feeling.   Yeah, I know what you mean Jane, hey, try some of my FDS.   YEah, right!     I never see commercials about MMB odor.   No,  I am not going to tell you what that stands for.   But fair is fair and if you are going to make us ladies use FDS, I think there should be a commercial with two men discussing their MMB odor.   Just saying... 

And the commercial I hate the very most is that one about that vibrating, swirling thing that blows your hair back.     Can we not have some things kept private?    At least they do show the guy's hair is blown back as well when he and his girl are walking hand in hand down the street.  Oh, and to top it off, these two girls see them and their hair blown back and they both look at each other and giggle.  They know that couple used that vibra-swirl thing.  

And, I will end this lengthy but needed writing with the other commercial I hate.   That is the one that tells you if you have bladder leakage problems that you should wear depends or something.   Depends change your life so....much.  I mean before you couldn't go dancing and now you can go dancing and no one knows that you are wearing depends under that pretty dress  And what they also don't know is that you have been dancing for 2 hours straight and your butt is getting bigger by the minute as those depends swell  up.   Keep dancing  sister but don't dare ask your boyfriend if your butt looks big.   Good night folks, try to lead the normal life. 

Breaking and entering, justified

Let me start my first entry by telling you that anything I say or advise in this blog is my opinion, some is based on facts. But it is your responsibility to do your own research. 

I will not take any responsibility for any harm, misfortune, pain, suffering, fear, injury, medical conditions, or any other things you attempt to blame me for.  

You are free to read my blog and I am free to write what I want.  I will not try to offend anyone but if I do, understand that  it is also my right. 

My suggestion to anyone who gets offended by something someone has said or written is to stop listening or reading.  We all have choices.  You are free to watch TV, if the show offends you, don't watch it anymore.   This is simple stuff.  Please don't try to sue me.  Use good common sense and be kind to others. 

Let this be my disclaimer to anyone who chooses to read my blog.   Thanks!

Breaking and entering.

I don't know about you but I am having a horrible time lately trying to use public bathrooms.  Every bathroom I attempt to use has something wrong with them. 

I remember a time when I would get so upset when I would use the toilet and find no toilet paper to be found.   OMG!  

And I am not the type to carry a purse or Kleenex so this would really piss me off. 

But lately,  I have plenty of toilet paper.  I just can not for the life of me get to it.  For some unknown reason some idiot has mounted the damn dispenser about 18 inches from the floor.   After contorting my right arm into several very abnormal positions, I finally seize a piece of paper.  Awww...finally, I can get to wiping.    Oh!  Shit, damn, what the hell!   OMG!   Yes, did you guess???   Yeah, you did.  I struggle through endless positions, straining my old, fat, body and suffering painful muscle cramps from trying to obtain some damn toilet paper from a dispenser that is mounted so damn far from my now useless arm and this is what I get.   One sheet of paper!!!   At this point, I am ready to scream.  Again, I try to capture this elusive, precious commodity.   I ready myself by getting into the position of attack.  You'll just have to imagine it folks; it ain't pretty.   Ok, maybe, just maybe I can try another angle to grab onto this precious sheet of gold.   After another round of pulling, picking slowly, picking pieces and watching them fall on the floor,  I begin to grab the dispenser trying to open it.  I start beating on it, wiggling it, hoping it will come loose from the wall.   At this point, I am beyond cussing.  I am sweating profusely, my fat ass is getting a permanite  ring imprint and I am desperate.  And just when I am about to give up, I notice a key hole in the dispenser.   At last I will be free of this toilet stuck to my ass!  I grabbed my keys and picked one and started picking the toilet dispenser lock.   Yes,  criminal breaking and entering.... but so justified!   It takes me  a few minutes and  open.... Sesame.  I am so proud, elated.  I feel like I have worked on a challenging project and found a solution and have accomplished the impossible.  I want to shout for all around to hear me but instead I grab the roll of TP and finish up.   You ask, did I replace the TP in the dispenser and lock it back up?   HELL NO!   I left the paper on the floor and the dispenser open.  I am a kind, and compassionate person and did not want the next poor soul  to go through the same plight.